Ask Dr. Dave

Dr. Dave is a wise expert on current health and social issues. If you have a question for Dr. Dave, please email us.

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Every time I have sex with my cousin I get big white globs that smell like bleach.

Dear Dr dave, about 10 minutes after every time my cousin and I have sex, this big glob of milky discharge comes out of my vagina and it smells like bleach. Should I go to the gyno or is this normal? I've never had sex before this so I wouldn't know... Also, I haven't had my period in almost two months either! This is great! No more bleeding all over myself! I hope it never comes back Dave!!!!! ---XOXO Miranda, 14, Connellsville, PA

Dear Miranda, I'd Call Roto Rooter. XOXO Dr. Dave.

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Pinworms in my Pussy

Dear Dr Dave,

My husband got pinworms from the dog... Well I'd rather not say how... And I got pinworms from my husband, well I'd rather not say how.... And when he goes from my ass to my well, I'd rather not say... Well, my question is, can I get pinworms in my pussy? Our asses are all really itchy from these pinworms and i don't want all of my privates to feel this way. My husband and I are always scratching, itching and burning in our asses and the dog is always dragging his ass across the white carpet leaving brown streaks sometimes. -- Lucy from Iowa

Lucy, you should see your family doctor and involve the dog's veterinarian. There are simple cures to pinworms, and they are more common than you think. You should also talk to your doctor about health and social ethics involving certain activities shared with your dog and your husband. The vagina does not have the proper environment to support the life or reproduction of pinworms, but you shouldn't get poop in your vagina or your mouth for many other health reasons. Your family doctor and your veterinarian will give you the proper health advice for your current lifestyle...

Sincerely, Dr Dave.

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I want to go to England for my gf's sister's wedding and to go out to dinner with Mr. Methane, the world's only performing flatulist, but I'm afraid to fly.

Dr. Dave, I have the opportunity to fly to England this year with my gf for her sister's wedding and while we're there go out to dinner with Mr. Methane, the world's only performing flatulist, who also lives in England. I'd like to go but I'm afraid to crash in the ocean and drown and die in an airplane. I've never been on a plane before either.. - Jiggaman, Evans City, PA

-Jiggerman, how many people do you know that have died in plane crashes?

None Dr. Dave.

-Ok Jiggerman, how many people do you know that have died in car crashes?

Ok Dr. Dave you got me there, like 20 or 30 people I know have died in car crashes...

-Ok, so I will tell you to get on a plane to europe no problem but don't ever get into a car ever again lol... If you are flying over the ocean, you will be on a big boy plane and it takes a lot for one of those to go down, and if you do, atleast you will be with the love of your life. Right before you hit the freezing cold ocean water going 600 miles an hour, tell her how much you love her and try a new sexual position you have been scared to try before now.. Have a good trip and we'll see you when you get back! and by the way, when are you getting married Jiggerman?

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Accidentally Slammed my wife in the Ass.

I missed my wife's vagina and accidentally slammed her in the ass so bad she threw up... After she caught her breath, I asked her if I could put it back in and finish. She let me put it back in and finish my semen pumper, but she said she still felt like she had to throw up more and her ass hurt for the next few days. Was this selfish, piggish, rude or insensitive of me? - Jiggaman, Evans City, PA

Dear Jiggaman, Atleast you felt bad about accidentally hurting your wife in the wrong hole.. and atleast you asked if you could finish so you could go to sleep... It sounds like she really loves you and cares about what you want if minutes after that violation happened she let you go back in and finish, even as she still felt sick... I would try to keep her since she's into you hardcore like that> Kinda turns me on hehe. You two love birds keep each other on track up there in evans city and be careful what hole you are in :) -- Xoxo Dr. Dave.

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How to stay patient with retarded people on the cb radio.

Dr. Dave, Recently I totally lost my patience with two cb radio characters; 5 Star and Tea-Pot. We have been so good to 5star. He has no friends and can't drive so all he does is talk on the cb radio day and night. Someone drives him to my house 5-10 times per year to enjoy a good cooked meal, enjoy running water, socialize with my friends that think he is creepy, and party with us. So far this year he has dumped garbage and old cum stained porn magazines sort of in the fire pit but it ended up blowing all through my yard. Also, he always brings beer bottles and somehow they get broken, even though he denies having anything to do with them getting broken. Often I ask politely, "5 Star, could you bring cans from now on instead of bottles because somehow every time you bring beer bottles they get broken and my dogs get broken glass in their pads." He defensively responds: "I didn't break the bottles so I don't see where you are coming from Jiggaman."

The other guy, Tea-Pot, insists on telling everyone on the sideband net that they are off frequency. I have thoroughly explained to tea pot that when you have 30 people on one sideband channel that not everyone is going to sound perfect, but as long as they are close to frequency and understandable, let it go and don't sound like a fucking broad on her period... He insists on harrassing especially new sideband users that they are slightly .000005% off frequency and it frustrates new users and annoys the shit out of everyone else that understands that when you have more than 2 people on ssb it is impossible for everyone to sound like they are in the same room... Half of the people he tells are off frequency sound better than him because he is on some 1970s shit-ass cobra 2000 or something like that from the thrift store that someone bought new when smokey and the bandit came out...

I bring these dilemmas to you Dr. Dave Sincerely and Respectfully representing the best interests of the Greater Pittsburgh Area Cb Radio Society, Jiggaman, Evans City, PA.

>>Jiggerman: I found my Roy Rogers Riders Club Rules from my Childhood. I think this will help you. - Dr. Dave.

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Dr. Dave,

I have 5 computers on my home network. 2 In my home office, 1 on my kitchen table, 2 in my garage and 1 in my waterbed. Ever since Victor stayed here for the weekend, the entire network, both internet and intranet are slow in a bad way... The one computer in my office that he used brings up 100 popups in 5 minutes when trying to use internet explorer, and when this computer is on the network, the entire network's internet connection suffers horribly. When I shut this computer down or disconnect it from the network, everything else runs fine. What has Victor done to my 6 month old Asus computer?

Concerned computer owner: When computer users go to numerous download and untrusted web sites, the computers get polluted with bad things that makes them unusable, and sometimes corrupts the entire computer network whether at the office or home.

Anti Virus and firewall protection are not the answer either.

Stay with trusted sites and don't download anything. If someone wants you to download something good for free they probably have a motive to clog your computer up with something not good like pop up adds and worse things.

If you have unsupervised users cruising the internet on your computers or your network, you should look into linux or a full proof internet only machine that can't download anything...

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Pregnant from Swallowing a Load?

Dr. Dave, can I get pregnant from swallowing a guy's cum?
<Missy from Beaver Falls>

- Not unless you spit it back up and smear it in your pussy... <Dave>

ok Thanks Dave! I'm good then lol!
<Missy>

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Circus of Wiggers is threatening X boyfriend from a relationship over a year ago.

Dr. Dave, the current boyfriend of a girl I dated last year got my number from her fone and has his whole crew of wiggers fucking with me. He is such a tool Dr. Dave. He has her fone 24 hours a day and keeps texting me pretending he is her and trying to catch her and I in some kind of situation. Meanwhile, I haven't seen her since June 2008. How should I react? I am a calm rational guy but this circus is really pushing my buttons lately...

- Concerned X: you have to show some sympathy with this economy. Let's face it, it's tough being a wigger these days... Eatn park's tips aren't what they used to be. If you have more productive things to fill your day with than these folks do, then you don't have to react at all. TuPac said "Let a fool be a fool". You must stay focused on living your positive, successful life and let these kind of people trip over their untied shoe laces on their own... (Lol.. What's that new rap song where the guy says "you could be just like me if you quit with all that stupid shit. hahahaha) Jiggaman all ways says "Let's be proactive, not reactive". In some cases being proactive means simply not reacting at all. Feel good about yourself that you and your crew don't act like this and live a positive and productive every-day life, and interact in healthy relationships as well... What kind of a boyfriend holds a girl's phone 24 hours a day anyway? In the United States, Women were liberated in the early 1900s. The worst part of this story is I feel bad for this girl. After the storm blows over you, I hope this girl ends up being happy or atleast safe... Sounds like he is somewhat abusive to her and possesive of her, if he is acting like this towards an X boyfriend from over a year ago. I wonder if someone stole all of his toys when he was a kid? Keep me posted on this one. - Dr. Dave.

---Update 08/03/09 - Dr. Dave, I didn't react for a month but the calls and texts got worse, and he told his x girl I was stalking her. Meanwhile, I don't know any of these people except his current girlfriend. The last straw was when he looked me up in the white pages and started calling my house in the middle of the night... He was also emailing her work using my name and got the IT department all rowled up. I went to the police the next day and pressed harrassment charges, with several names and many phone numbers. (lol, the cops knew exactly who I was talking about) I also called the IT department at her work and explained the whole situation. I have not heard one peep in three weeks. The police were soooo helpful.

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-Tell Girl I'd be Into her if she wasn't fat or blow her off?

Dr. Dave, should I tell this girl I'd be into her if she wasn't fat, or just blow her off...? Jiggaman, Evans City, PA

Jiggaman, Honesty is the best policy, Go for It!! As long as both parties involved don't have fucked up attitudes, being honest can only help people...

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-My Family might not approve of the Mother-Daughter team I am banging from Fubar at the wedding anniversary party next week.

Dave, I fucked the shit out of this trailer park mother-daughter team a few weeks ago that I met on Fubar. It was totally cool. The mom checked me out on fubar the one night and said I was hot. The next night I went over to their trailer and met the daughter too. We played cards at the kitchen table for a few minutes and the next thing I knew things were getting hot and heavy and the mom was eating the daughter's pussy. They gave me a pretty good show Dave, and I had to join in and settle things with some sausage... It was great. We rocked that trailer for a few hours and the neighbors called the cops to make sure everything was ok with all the screaming. I put them both to bed and left. I figured they were both high on meth and I'd never see them again Dave, but we've spent quality time every day since then as a relationship with 3 people in it instead of 2. I am totally into this, but how do I explain this to my traditional Catholic family? My parent's 35th wedding anniversary is next week and it would only be fair to take both of them. What should I do Dave? -Confused Mother-Daughter and Me, PA

What county is this in PA? - Dave

Dave, we live in Beaver County, right by the Beaver Valley Mall.

Ok, I can Picture that... I would pick which one is closer to your age and status and present her to your family as your girlfriend, and introduce the other one as her mother or daughter, depending on which one you pick. This way you are not lying to your family, you just forgot to leave out a detail that you are with both of them, and they happen to be mother and daughter.
Keep your story straight and you'll be just fine. - Dr. Dave.

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-Bathroom Remodeling: Bidet, Home Made Ass Squirter or Baby Wipes?

Dr. Dave, I am remodeling my master bathroom and my wife would like a bidet. I am familiar with bidets from reading about victor's bidet experience listed here in this section. Due to budget concerns and space limitations, I was wondering if there were any other options?

A Bidet is a wonderful bathroom fixture. Here is a picture of Victor using mine at my superbowl party yesterday.

There are a few alternatives to a bidet to fit your budget and your space.

You could install a home made ass squirter next to the toilet like I had in my Oil City house:

or, you could just keep baby wipes next to the toilet like jigga-man does at his house:

Actually, it's funny you mention this, Jiggaman just told me a funny story about these baby wipes. He was at target buying two things of baby wipes (one for his house bathroom and one for his garage bathroom) and the cashier asked him how old the baby was, and he told the lady the truth that he did not have a baby, but he likes to wipe his ass and balls with them after making toilet so he allways smells fresh. Jiggaman also said that the cashier and the people behind him in line all had different reactions...

I hope this lays out your options. Happy remodeling! - Dr. Dave.

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-Jiggaman's Dogs Lick Each Other's Penises While He Eats Breakfast

Dr. Dave, often times when i sit at my kitchen table and look out the windows, i notice my dogs face fucking each other and licking each other's penises. I am a little concerned about this. What should i do? - Jiggaman - Evans City PA.

Jiggaman, often times when dogs hump each other, they are settling domination and territory. I wouldn't worry too much unless they are trying to put it in each others asses. This may not be healthy for your dogs.

Dave, no, they never try to hide the helmet in each other's asses, they start humping each other in the face, but right away the dog being humped in the face starts licking the humper's penis and the dog stops humping and just stands there with its legs on the other dog's shoulder and gets it's penis licked with a big smile on his face. This is really disturbing seeing this as i try to eat my breakfast Dave. Especially when my friends and their kids are over and Victor has to point out to everybody every time the dogs do it. Jiggerman, it sounds like when the dominating dog is humping the other one in the face, the other one starts to lick it's penis in defense to relax it and stop the dominance move. This is very interesting. I've heard Chevy Chase talk about his childhood when his abusive stepfather would go to beat young Chevy, Chevy would pull down his stepfather's pajamas and start blowing him. This would prevent the beatings all together. So maybe when your dogs go to dominate and then end up getting blown, it totally throws off the domination. Although this may be embarrasing to your guests, this is a good non violent way for your dogs to settle their territory and dominace differences... You could videotape your dogs and put it on youtube. They sound pretty interesting. Take care, Dr. Dave.

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-Impersonator on the CB Radio is hurting our Business-

This is Bridget and Majesty from the Body Shop (Strip Club) on I-80 in Emlenton, PA. We advertise on the cb radio every night to bring the truckers in. Lately, there has been an impersonator overpowering us on the cb using a gay voice telling drivers that the body shop turned gay and there are no girls here, only guys stripping. He says like "come see big cocks bulging out of pink thongs and tight shaved guy's assholes", and stuff like that. It has really been hurting our business. We think it's Jiggaman and Rob but we can't prove it. Could you talk to everybody in the cb radio underworld and have this stopped. we will give them comps at the club if they stop.

-Ok I'll talk to everybody. I'll come see you girls soon. It's been a while. Does Tigger and Boom-Boom still work there? -Dave

Dave, Tigger is still here, Boom Boom doesn't work here anymore. We heard she waitresses at the truck stop in Barkeyville, but I'm not sure. -Bridget

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-When I Wake Up My Ass is Itchy But Not Sore-

Dave, when I wake up my ass is itchy, but it is not sore. I've heard of people waking up after getting their wisdom teeth out and their ass is sore as well as their gums so I don't think I'm getting fucked in my ass while I'm asleep but I'm not sure why my ass is itchy only when I wake up... I've tried everything Dave. Showering and thoroughly washing my ass, I've changed my wiping techniques, even switched to baby wipes... I don't know what to do Dave. I asked the School Nurse, and she said to talk to you. -Zach from Prospect Middle School.

-Zach, It sounds like you might have pinworms. Pinworms live inside your bum, and at night, Mother pinworm comes out and lays eggs around your bumhole, making you itch. Mother pinworm knows that if she makes your bum-crack extra itchy, hopefully you'll scratch it and get some pinworm eggs on your fingers and then you'll eat them and have a new generation of pinworm eggs in your intestines...

Have your Mom sneak in with a flashlight when you are sleeping and stick some scotch tape in your bum crack and examine the tape to see if there are worms on there. If you are unsure, take it to school and have your science teacher look at it under a microscope. If you decide you have pinworms, there are a few medicines available over the counter for this. You can talk to your pharmacist. I would recommend going to your pediatrician and seek his professional advice. Good Luck Zach and I hope Santa is Good to you next week. - Dr. Dave.

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-Stimulus Package at Beaver County Strip Club Hurts Girls' Tips-

Hey Dave, you sexy thing, This is Brandy from a strip club in Beaver County. My daughter Kayla and I have worked here for 7 years, so we've seen some good and bad times. But, this past year, due to the bad economy, the owner came up with his own stimulus package for inside his strip club. He gives out fake stripper money at the door to his patrons, so they can spend more money on his girls, and they will stay longer and buy more drinks and buy more food. It has worked to help his business, but the customers have spent even less cash on us, and at the end of the night we have all this fake stripper money that we don't want. He has a little overpriced store setup in the back like they do at wildwood highlands that we can buy things with but it is all cheesy makeup and lingerie that we would never buy anyway. The real things we want can't be bought with this fake stripper money anyway like newports, alcohol, and coke. This is really killing my daughter and I Dave. There are no other clubs close to here where we could go. I thought about working the streets but the guys around here are so creepy.

-Brandy and Kayla, You could talk to your boss about opening a private room that only accepts cash or explain to him how his funny money is hurting his girls, and maybe come up with a different sales booster like free pizza, or free hand job if you spend $200 or more... something like that.

Or, you could find a better industry for you and your daughter. Since you work at night, you could go to school in the day time. Nursing is pretty hot right now. It sounds like you and your daughter would make pretty hot nurses... Go to some local colleges in your area this week and see what programs you'd be interested and talk to financial aid about loans and grants. Maybe I'll come down and see you some time with some real cash for the back room... Is Brandy and Kayla your real names or your stripper names? --Dave

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-Everything Fun is Illegal in Pennsylvania, Except in Certain Places in Butler County-

Hey Dave. I just moved here from West Virginia. How come everything fun is illegal in Pennsylvania? My first night here I got pulled over by the police on my way to wal-mart. They took my beer that i just opened and dumped it out. they took my fireworks. they took all my happy smoke. they took my loaded shotgun. then they took my handguns from under the seat and said i need permits. They asked me where i got the deer in the back of the truck, i said i just shot it and i'm fixin to eat it. They asked me for my hunting license and deer tags. Then they started looking at my truck and said it needs to be inspected, have all the lights working, needs license plate and mufflers. I took my truck in to town today and they want $6500 to get it to pass inspection... I was doing just fine in West Virginia until I came to Pittsburgh for a good Job. Now I feel like some kind of asshole. What the fuck Dave? -Billy Bob

-Hello there Billy Bob, and Welcome to Pennsylvania. PA does have a few rules to protect our people, but we do have a nice standard of living here, and good jobs are plentiful. I think there are a few places in butler county where you would fit in just fine. The neighborhood Jiggaman lives in is all mud roads and trailers with quads and dirtbikes and big old rusty beat up chevy trucks with I-Beams welded to the fronts of them for bumpers and confederate flags and things like that. If you're interested, maybe he'd be able to give you a tour some time. I mean Jiggaman's garage is bigger than his house. What kind of a place do you think he lives in hahaha. Take Care Billy Bob. Good luck finding a place to call home and good luck at your new job.

-DAVE! JIGGAMAN'S HOUSE IS BIGGER THAN HIS GARAGE??? DIRT ROADS? I-BEAMS FOR TRUCK BUMPERS? CONFEDERATE FLAGS? I'D FIT RIGHT IN THERE! GIVE JIGGAMAN MY NUMBER. DO YOU THINK HE LIKES DEER MEAT DAVE? I RECKON HE LIKES TO DRINK BEER TO? AND LIGHT OFF FIREWORKS? I WOULD LOVE A TOUR!!!! THANKS DAVE. I KNEW YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO. THANKS -BILLYBOB

-Sure thing Billy Bob. It's all taken care of. Glad I could help---Dr. Dave

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-Benadryl for Dogs Instead of Marijuana-

Dr. Dave,

When I comes home from a hard day on the streets, I likes to get smoked out of my mind and watch BET. I gets all smoked up and fittin to be chillin out and my dog be bouncin off the fuckin walls and it be hard to concentrate on what bees on tv. I've tried errythang Dave. My dog don't be likin no smoke in his lungs, and if i get it in there, he cough and blow it out right away. He ain't never gonna chill if he can't be holdin it in for a minute or too like i's do. I even tooks him in the closet one time and tried to smoke box him ups to my level but he just growl and bark and I couldn't be figurin out what am I bee doing wrong Dave it is... I was gonna makes him pot brownies but theys dogs can'ts be eatin no chocolate either. Then I gives him liquer but he just get spins and throw up. This ain't be an everyday thing there Dave, this only be once in a while i need be chillin and i needs my dog to be chillin wit me. They don'ts bees callin him man's best friend fo nothin. -Big D from Ambrige-

Big D, You should consult your veterinarian first, but I was up at camp one time and my labrador retriever ran into a bee nest and got stung a bunch of times on his snout. He was in severe pain and the swelling was starting to limit his breathing. I was hours from anywhere with no time to get him to medical help. I followed the weight chart on the bottle of benadryl that I had at camp and I gave him a pretty healthy dose. Within an hour the swelling lessened and his breathing sounded less labored. He layed around in a daze the rest of the night and relaxed. Between you and me, he looked like he smoked the whole bag... There are also dog treats and tranquilizers available on the pet market. You should consult your vet to decide what would be the most ethical way for your dog to relax with you. Hustle Hard Big D and make your paper!

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-Sexual Encounter Gone Wrong in the DJ Booth-

Dave, why weren't you at the 32Live Christmas Dinner? -your secret admirer-

Secret Admirer, on tuesday night things got a little hot and steamy up in my dj booth at the club and I mumbled something like "I hope you're safe cause if I got you pregnant I'd kill myself". Well, I think she heard me over the music because she broke my record player over my head and stormed out. I didn't even get to finish! I have been at home recovering. I'm ok though, since it happened at work, aflac has been taking care of everything. I am sorry I missed all of you guys. I'll see you next year. -Dr. Dave

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-Vaginal Birth vs C Section-

Dear Sexy Dave,

As a man what do you find hotter- a woman giving birth naturally and practically tearing her ass out or a c section that leaves a scar? -Kylie in Raleigh-

>>It depends on the kind of girl it is, and how cave manish the man is that would be attracted to her. We can track it back to animal instincts.

Let me explain: If a girl is shorter and somewhat of the aryan race design; child bearing hips, big ass, thunder thighs, then a blown out meat-pussy would go well with this body. The kind of man attracted to this woman will be more manly and cave-manish. When this couple mates, he would bang the shit out of her from behind with his big cave man cock. Some believe when God put Man and Woman on this planet, this was what he meant as "fucking". A natural blown out beef curtain pussy would be better suited for this situation.

For other body types into all this hollywood gay shit, a c section would be better to preserve her cute tight little pussy, but then scars are not hollywood at all, so there is some debate about this one...

There are many other debates around this subject. Some say "real black men" like the c section scars on their ghetto bitches. I would think that booty hoes would have big blown out pussies anyway, so why would c sections matter? I don't understand this one. You'll have to talk to Katt Williams about it...

Kylie, Make the best decision for you and your baby, and keep your vagina's career in mind as well. There are some risks either way of having birth. You should talk to your doctor about your body and health history, and (s)he will talk to you about what is best to do... If you and your man are "tight" hehe, no pun intended, he will stick with you and love you just the way you are, and love you more and appreciate what you do for him and having his babies. Afterall, this is the most beatiful thing a man and woman can do together...

Be sure to send me baby pictures! Hugs and Kisses, Dr. Dave.

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-Masturbation Taking Longer During Pregnancy-

Dave, When i've been using my vibrator it seems to be taking a lot longer to get myself off. Does pregnancy have anything to do with this? I'm trying to save money on batteries while we're in this recession :) Becky in Oil City, PA.

Becky, do you scream and squirt all over the bed when you finish? and has your pregnancy changed these results at all? or do you just melt and shiver when you're done?

-No I just melt and shiver Dave... and I do it in the shower anyway so nobody will hear me and my dog can't watch. He looks at me wierd. My dad gets pissed when I'm in there for over an hour and i run the water tank out. It's been getting worse since it's been taking longer...

ok. Becky, Shower is good anyway for you don't have to worry about messing up the sheets, or the dog watching, and being in the water would help you stay wet if you have a dull moment in your fantasy...

Pregnancy can change your chemistry and sex drive for the better, but the mental and physical stress of being pregnant can change your sex drive in other ways. As long as you are having a trouble free pregnancy, action in the vagina is perfectly healthy, and safe for the baby too, so don't be worried about that. But be careful when you get near the end. having things pumping balls-deep in you can induce labor.

Also, pregnancy changes your pussy juices, which can change the lubrication and friction factors of whatever you are beating yourself with... I am sure your body shape is much different now too, unless you were like 400 pounds before, so this may affect your masterbation techniques as well.

Along with your body chemistry, being pregnant can change your emotions and moods. With the intimate part of carrying a baby with you, you may long for more intimacy in your love/sex relationship as well. You may be longing for a real penis instead of a rubber one.

Send me baby pictures! and other pictures are fine too rowllll......
xoxo Dr. Dave

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-Blood Pressure Readings Taken on my Boner-

Dr. Dave, my gf is in nursing school. I was wondering if she could take my blood pressure on my boner? Would the readings be accurate? -- Brian in Zelienople.

Brian, Contrary to popular belief, the boner isn't actually a bone that pops in and out. It is actually tissue and cartilage that swells when blood rushes to it when we get sexually excited. It is best to take blood pressure readings from our arms which have a consistant base size, then the blood veins can be measured for blood pressure.

An erect penis (Boner) can change size and diameter significantly just by a mild change in blood pressure to it, depending on how excited we are at the time... Your body's blood pressure cannot be accurately measured around the boner region.

If she puts the cuff around your hard penis, only your excitement level will be measured... If she wants an honest opinion about which outfits are sexy, or which dresses make her look fat, this may be a good lie detector test for you and her to use.

I know ways to check her excitement levels using electronic instruments to measure continuity and verify the authenticity of wet pussy juice. If you need to know, we can talk more in private. -Dr. Dave.

 

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-White Bread vs Wheat Bread-

Dave, Should I buy white bread or wheat bread? Missy.

Missy, I had an argument about this with my brother a few years ago. I told him that white bread had no nutritional value, and wheat bread is actually good for you. He would not believe me for anything...

My brother had the biggest chicken farm in ohio. He said, "Ok Little Brother, I'll feed half of my chickens white bread, and the other half of my chickens wheat bread. A month later, all of his chickens that had been eating white bread had died. All of his chickens that had been eating wheat bread were normal and healthy.

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-Semen Sugar Content for Diabetics-

Question: Hi Dr. Dave, my name is Shaniqua and I recently found out I was diabetic. Due to the bad economy I have to work at the ballpark on weekends and blow guys. I can't find semen on my sugar intake chart, and I can't seem to get any answers from the dieticians or doctors that I have emailed... On an average weekend I usually swallow 20 or 30 guy's loads. I am afraid this could be affecting my insulin levels... I talked to Jiggaman about this and he told me you would know what to do...

Dave: How much do you weigh Shaniqua?

Shaniqua: well dave my ass weighs about 150 pounds and the rest of me weighs around 200 pounds.

Dave: and how old are you shaniqua?

Shaniquia: I recently turned 43 dave.

Dave: Well Shaniqua, being fat later in life usually has something to do with developing diabetes and other health issues. You need to get your weight down to a healthy range. The longer you stay fat, the diabetes may worsen and you will develop other health issues...

As far as semen and blood sugar, Semen is rich in sugars and proteins. When you swallow 20 or 30 loads in a weekend, this might not help you control your blood sugar levels...

I would suggest using condoms or spitting the loads out after they blow it in your mouth. The use of condoms will reduce the risk of spreading 30 different guy's sexually transmitted diseases to you and the other 29 guys you blow in an average weekend as well.

Shaniqua: Thank you for the good information Dave. Jiggaman was right! You have been very helpful.

The guys don't blow their loads in my mouth though, I deep throat and they blow in into my esophagus, so it's already too late for me to spit it out when they release. I never even thought to use condoms. That might be the best solution to my diabetes problem! Thanks Dave. I wonder why those doctors and dieticians never got back to me about this. They must not be as smart as you Dave. Come up and see me some time. I'll give you a lil somthin somethin in the mensroom for your advice...  Hugs and Kisses! Shaniqua.

Dave: I'm glad I was able to help shaniqua. Let's leave out the blowing me and the kisses but Hugs to you!!!

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-Deep Throating and Gag Reflexes-

Question: Hi Dr. Dave. My husband read that last question here and it got him newly exciting about the deep throating thing... When I don't feel like fucking my husband, I just suck him off real quick and get it over with, but he finds it disrespectful when I run to the bathroom and spit it out in the toilet. I just don't like the consistency of his goo when it sticks to the back of my throat and I have to swallow hard and hock the rest up like a loogie and swallow it again... We figured that if I had his penis halfway down my throat when he cums then it would be easier for me to finish swallowing his load. We have been married for many years now and the kids have all grown up and moved away, so we were looking for a new spark in our marriage anyway. The trouble we're having Dave, is that I can't seem to overcome my gag reflexes. We have tried every night for the past few months and I just can't seem to make any improvements. We even bought an Aurora Snow DVD called "Gag Factor 5" and tried to learn her techniques, but I can't seem to get anywhere. As soon as he gets the head of his penis past the hangy ball in the back of my mouth, I throw up all over him and everything else. Maybe you'll be able to help us Dave! Thanks, Betty and Roger in Rhode Island.

Dave: Hi Betty. Many things can affect your gag reflexes. I happen to be an expert on this for I was a sword swallower at the midwest circus in the 70s and the 80s. First off, you should not eat or drink anything that would aggravate your esophagus or give you indegestion within a few hours prior of your deep throating, and you shouldn't be hungover, in any sort of withdrawls, or feeling queezy or weak...

Second, it helps to develop a breathing pattern similar to when you first learn how to swim underwater. When his penis is on the out-stroke, sometimes it helps to try to exhale a little bit. It is difficult to breathe when there is a penis stuck down your throat, so you and your husband should have a signal so he knows when to pull out for a second and let you catch your breath, other than when your face turns purple and your eyes start to roll in the back of your head...

When you feel a gag coming on, try to swallow gently. This may ward off gagging his penis right out of your throat and/or throwing up all over him when he pulls his penis out.

Also, the angle at which he is throat-fucking you is critical here. Depending on the curve of your husband's penis, it matters how he shoves it down your throat. If his penis curves up slightly like a banana, then it might be easiest to approach this in a 69 position, or you sit upside down on a couch, while he approaches you from the upright fucking position like is shown in the Aurora Snow Movie "Gag Factor 5". I am familiar with that film. It is one of my favorites.

Finally, the most important thing here is to be relaxed. When the human body is nervous and uptight, it's reflexes and defense mechanisms are on full tilt. When we are comfortable and relaxed and cozy, we may feel more comfortable with penises being shoved down our throats all the way. I would suggest lowering the lights a little bit, burn some sexy scent candles from bed, bath and beyond, put on some R. Kelly in the background and maybe have a few drinks and a vicodin. Some throat sprays and lozenges have numbing agents in them that may help you, but these have different effects on different individuals.

There are also several oral pleasure gels on the market that make everything taste good and make it more fun. My favorite is "Sweeten'd Blow" oral pleasure gel. I have a link for it, click here.

I hope you and your husband find a new spark in your marriage. If the deep throat thing doesn't work out, let me know. I may have a few new ideas for you and your husband in the bedroom. Betty and Roger, Take care and good luck with this! Let me know how it goes. Sincerely, Dr. Dave of 32Live.com

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-Where does Victor Blow his Load at Jiggaman's House?-

Hey Dave,

Victor spends one or two weekends a month at my house. I enjoy his company very much, and honestly, I cherish every moment I spend with him...

I often wonder however, when he is at my house for 2-3 days straight, how many times does he beat off, and where does he put his load?

I asked him a few times casually but I never seem to get a straight answer... I only want to know that he is responsible and he puts it somewhere in his dirty laundry and takes it home with him, or wraps it up safely in a tissue or something like that.

I am worried that it ends up sprayed on a wall or in a corner on the carpet in a typical wreckless Victor manner.... I emailed CSI but they have not taken interest in my case at this point in time.

How would I get to the bottom of this Dave? Sincerely, Jiggaman

Answer From Dave: The easiest way to locate fresh bodily fluids is with a black light like they do in CSI. I had an ecstacy party at my house around Christmas 98 and we went through my house with a black light the next day and it looked like a paintball arena...

Also, be sure to take note of any new stains on the furniture and carpet, or if you see the dogs licking corners of rooms or walls or if you notice an extra stickyness on the floor of your shower after he is in there.

Good luck with this Jiggaman. Let me know how it goes.

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-Check Temperature Rectally-

Dr. Dave, I took my dog to the doctors the other day and this hot nurse stuck a thermometer up my dog's ass hole. Both the dog's eyes and my eyes got really big and both of our boners began pointing. I want to do this at home with my wife but I am too embarrassed. Although My wife is going to nursing school, maybe she could practice on me and then give me a reach around or a rusty trombone or something like that. I am still worried she might think I am going too far, especially after the fire extinguisher thing. How do you think I should approach this Dr. Dave? <Anonymous Writer>

Dear Anonymous Writer, I think you and your wife should work on ways to communicate better about each others sexual needs. If you want your wife to stick a thermometer up your ass and check your temperature during sex then you should be able to tell her that, and doing that should turn her on as well.. I had this one girl that was a nurse and she used to check my blood pressure with her cuff around my big veiny penis. I used to show 200/100 just on my penis.. That's how excited she got me.

Or, if you want to go about it in a crafty way: The next time she is in heat, tell her you don't feel good and you want her to check your temperature first. Take off your clothes, have her check you rectally and as she sticks it in, your eyes light up and your boner points and then give it to her hard. This may clue her in that you liked it and it made you feel better instantly.

Good luck with your wife and thermometers! Sincerely, Dr. Dave.

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-Different Smells of Farts-

Dr. Dave, I regularly eat and drink the same diet. Why do my farts smell like rotten vegetables and sour kraut one day and the next day they smell different like hot garbage and dead rats? Big John from Butler

Hmm, I guess it depends on how you mix these foods and drinks as to what gas bi products are created.. Find out which scent burns better and maybe we can figure out what causes the differences. Also keep track of what you eat and drink more closely and maybe we can figure something out..

I know my fart scents depend mostly on what kind of beer I drink the night before. If I drink yuengling or iron city they tend to be pretty thick, warm, steamy and foul smelling. However if I drink a lite beer like coors light or bud light, my farts are less dense and steamy and have a slight aired-out stale smell. these do not clear a room like the other ones that you describe..

Take Care! Dr. Dave.

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-Corn in my Poop-

Dr. Dave, Why is there corn in my poop? Jiggaman.

Jiggaman, do not be alarmed. The human digestive system has no effect on corn. I see corn in my poop all the time a day or two after I eat it.

I know this to be true also because: back in the 70s we had to dig up the garage floor to unclog a sewer pipe. When we broke open the clog, a bunch of poop came out into the dirt. We didn't get new concrete poured till the end of that summer. A month or two after the incident, I noticed that there were a few corn stalks growing up out of the fertile soil. We must have eaten corn right before the pipe clogged I guess.

Take care Jiggaman, Happy Holidays, Dr. Dave.

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-Tennis Elbow from Beating Off-

Dear Dr. Dave,
Is it possible to get tennis elbow from beating off?

I was at the doctors today for pain and swelling in my right elbow. He told me I have major tennis elbow and prescribed me a few creams and anti-inflammatory medicines. I told him I have never played tennis in my life. I don't play ping pong and I don't direct orchestras or anything like that either. He told me to go home and think of any other activities that may be causing this. He knew it was only my right arm because he pointed out that my right forearm is twice as big as my left forearm.

I beat off 2-3 times a day and I only use my right arm. I didn't want to mention this to the doctor, he might think I am trying to be a smart aleck.

Sincerely, Fred from Ontario.

- Fred, Yes, repeated motions like that several times a day can be tough on one's elbow. I would recommend switching arms each time or each day.. or maybe you could get a pocket pussy and wedge it in between the couch cushions or something like that? Anything to take it easy on your poor elbow. Good Luck in the new year Fred! and stay warm up there in canada!

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-Why Does my Poop Float-

Q- Dear Dr. Dave, Why does my poop float some days and other days it sinks? B.G.R.

A- Poop that floats is usually rich in fiber. Poop with more fiber is less dense than water, so it will float... Regular poop is usually more dense than water so it will sink.

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-Victor Wakes up With a Sore Ass-

Q- Dr. Dave, how come every time I go over Rob's house and drink with him all night, I wake up in a different room and my bum is sore for a few days. This never happens anywhere else. I wish I was as smart as you Dr. Dave, I hope you can help me. Weasel.

A- Weasel, it sounds to me that you are being violated in your sleep.
Before you sleep over Rob's house next time, be sure to poop out in the woods and wipe thoroughly with poison ivy leaves. After you wake up with a sore ass again, try to observe if Rob is scratching his private parts more than usual.

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-Our Fingers Smell Like Poop After a Vodka Party at Victor's House-

Q- Dear Dr. Dave, We had a vodka party at Weasel's house the other night. It was me (Jiggaman), Weasel, Big-Gay-Rob and these three hoopties from Ingomar 7-11. We don't remember anything. When we woke up, there was vomit in corners of rooms, various things broken and the dog keeps dragging it's ass across the floor and still looks at us all kinda funny...
My real concern is, Me, Weasel and Rob all had itchy penises in the morning. But we all had itchy bums too. None of the 7-11 girls were walking funny and our fingers smelled like poop, not vagina.
When the party started, I was worried about getting the 7-11 girls pregnant. Now I am worried about something else... Do you have any ideas Dr. Dave?

A- Jiggaman, I think I know what happened, but we will talk about that in private.
I had a few vodka parties at my house back in the 70's and had similar results. So i don't suggest having them anymore. Maybe it would be a good thing if the girls were pregnant. I think you guys would feel better. Please party responsibly!! Dr. Dave.

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-Victor Gets Upset When Jiggaman Exploits Him in a Gay Way on the Internet-

Q- Why does Weasel get so upset about the gay stuff? When someone asks him if something is gay he gets really really upset and says "that is inappropriate". Is he trying to hide something Dr. Dave? ,, A Sincerely Concerned Anonymous 32Live listener.

A- Dear concerned listener, The experts say one in every ten people are Gay. Being that there are more than 20 of us in the group, I think it is possible that Weasel is hiding something. The other one we have to worry about is Jiggaman. He gets a little too excited about other boys sometimes.

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-Jiggaman is With a Girl For 6 Months and She Has a Black Baby-

Q- Dr. Dave, I started dating this girl from the gas station about 6 months ago. She gave birth to our first child this morning. I am so proud to be a father!! I am a little concerned because his skin is much darker than ours and my mom said something about pregnancies lasting 9 months? Well maybe it just came out a little early... All my family and friends are acting kinda funny, do you know whats wrong? I wish I were as smart as you Dr. Dave. Jiggaman of 32 Live.com.

A- Jiggaman, I think she was pregnant before you met her, and I don't think the father is white either. I have some friends at the Jerry Springer show if you would like to get to the bottom of this. Sincerely and good luck!, Dr. Dave